Reefer Madness

Will I ever Whack The Weed

I’ve been on and off the weed wagon quite a bit lately. Mostly on. Gosh I just love that first high of the day. It’s filled with so much hope and happiness especially out here in the woods or by the beach. Its hard to hate your life when you got a morning buzz going and you’re staring at a 25 foot high oak tree.

The longest T break I took was a year long and I’m still kinda pissed i started again. It happened after my dad fell ill and i went to visit him. I couldn’t handle the situation he was in and there was weed around and so ended my year long of fully clear thinking.

I love being sober. It’s a beautiful state you reach where you solve all of your problems and just handle your shit as it comes up because you can. But every once in a while - I slip.

It always starts with “I just wanna let loose for a minute” “i need to empty all the thoughts in my head” and ends with “I just wanna get high for breakfast.” I am an escaper - as in - any chance to exit my brain is a chance I will take. It’s not helpful, it doesn’t clear up any problems - but man i do enjoy being high. In fact - had my psychic not told me years ago that I need to quit - I probably wouldn’t even think about being excessive with weed. My biggest problem - overeating - and now my big pants are tight and I don’t want to buy bigger to feed my habit of feeding my face.

However - while stoner walking my dog the other night I ran into a group of older than me ladies in the hood and I immediately thought - oh fuck - I’m gonna pop off with some stoner shit and I’ll be shunned from my monied neighborhood. I was wrong they were super cool and we stopped and chatted about the country being a full on shit show. I think we agreed on most things but I was high and blabbing and I was so happy to be out in the late afternoon sunshine with neighbor ladies who reminded me that women fucking rule.

I did think about the fact that one aspect of being a pot smoker seems to have disappeared. Remember when everyone’s eyes used to get super bloodshot smoking pot? You knew instantly when someone was high because they were squinting through tiny red slits of blood vessels. (Aside from them laughing uncontrollably at a joke no one told) I think they even referred to it in that classic movie Refer Madness. If you don’t know it go watch it - it’s pretty funny for all the wrong reasons. But i distinctly remember every single person I know carrying Visine in high school. I don’t hear people talking about that anymore. Is it still a thing? My eyes never got red. That wouldn’t be the sign I was high. The sign for me is - I’m eating everything in sight. I pray for the day someone invents a joint that has no munchies side effect. They will be my She-ro. It will definitely be a woman because i have never heard a male stoner complain about eating too much when high.

After I left the ladies I was fully immersed in my woodsy walk - admiring the calm and quiet and trees. There wasn’t a car or a human in sight and all of a sudden I thought: What if a bear or a mountain lion pops out right now. I have no idea what to do. I do not have any idea how to handle myself or my dog in this situation and I need to get a handle on that because it could actually happen. I think I’m supposed to “get big and scream” but I think that’s only for a bear and not a mountain lion or big cat and I’m pretty sure we have all of those around here.

I was very close to Oprah’s house so i suppose I could just yell for her. I’m sure she’d know what to do. She’s Oprah.

But I digress. I wish i could just be like other humans and smoke when I want and not even think about it. I wish I could just live my life and not judge myself so harshly all the time. I wish i had any sort of moderation button but sadly this factory model came without one.

I imagine that at 80 I’ll be living in my cottage in the Cotswolds burning spleefs like you read about and casting spells on the locals. It could happen.